TV Detective World Series Round 1 - Caine Vs Batman

Another week, another battle between two of TV's greatest detectives! That's right, it's not just award winning events from The Murder Mystery Company - we like to discuss the important issues of the day! This time...

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This match pits a man who uses hi-tech gadgets and cheesy dialogue to solve a series of far fetched crimes perpetrated by ridiculous villains... against Batman.

That's right - CSI:Miami's finest Horatio Caine has drawn the Caped Crusader himself in the first round. Who wins? You decide...

Round One - Realism

Caine takes off his sunglasses, says a few words, puts them on again, says some more, then sits down with what could possibly be described as a smile. He is, after all, a scientist. Part of his job is to use modern forensic skills to bring murderers to book. He would never be guilty of overstepping the - oh hang on, what's this? A security tape of the victim, with the killer just out of shot? What are you going to do about that, Horatio? What? You're going to... zoom in on the victim and then enhance so much you can identify the killer by the reflection in the victim's eyeball? Oh, Horatio...

Batman predominantly targets Supervillains and their goons. While at first glance it may appear that this is not realistic, they are clearly defined as Supervillains. Who are we to judge how realistic or not those portrayals are? Exactly. We're no one. He's Batman.

Round Two - Way Of Speaking

Caine does a good job here. As the father of 'Sunglasses Punctuation', he likes to begin a sentence, pause while he puts on his sunglasses, and then deliver those last crucial words. The only drawback here is that he relies heavily on being set up by a good feeder line, usually supplied by Frank.

For example, at the aftermath of a shooting from a passing boat that targetted a series of Miami party goers, Frank opines that it looks like a drive-by. Caine's response?

"A drive-by", (puts on sunglasses), "Miami style".

Batman, on the other hand... puts in PAUSES at... random stages OF EACH sentence and... emphasises RANDOM WORDS for no discernible reason. He also uses the word 'criminal' as if it is a swear word. He is... LOVELY.

Round Three - Car

Caine is proud of his gas-guzzling General Motors Hummer, based on the military Humvee and capable of performing in excess of half a mile to the gallon. It is the perfect vehicle to transport him, his sunglasses and his fingerprint dusting kit from crime scene to crime scene.

Batman has the Batmobile. This round actually defaults to the caped crusader.

Final Round - Sidekick(s)

Caine surrounds himself with assistants, each bringing their own skills and abilities to the crime lab. Whether it is beautiful Calleigh Duquesne with her gun fetish, beautiful Dr Alexx Woods with her prepensity to talk to dead bodies and call them 'sweetie' or beautiful Tim Speedle with his inability to clean his gun properly leading to it jamming on him and him being shot dead, Caine has the team to do the job.

Oh dear, oh dear. After such a strong showing in the previous rounds, Batman has to face facts - no matter how he tries to dress it up, his sidekick is Robin. The judges clear their throats awkwardly and try to overstate the role played by Alfred the Butler, but the massive drag factor Robin puts on proceedings is evident and Batman accepts crushing defeat in this round.

So there you have it. Two extravagant figures of TV Detection, but which is the best? As ever, you decide. Voting closes in one month, on Friday 15th June.

In case you were concerned when reading the judges report that the author has predetermined which combatant is best, let us remind you of our fondness for and close relationship with CSI based television shows!

Add your votes above, your comments below, and as ever, feel free to check out what we do when we're not doing this.

Next Time...